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The Journey Into Unknown..

Instead of panicking in this unpredictable journey of life, lets be each other's guide.. :)

Morning!

Rare mornings I wake up to sunshine and bliss! Today is one such day! Yayyyyy! 💃👼

-cause well yeah, I sleep in most of the days and then getting out the bed itself is an achievement due to the damn depression- but that on some other day, because I AM IN A GOOD MOOD!

Well yeah, that’s how most days are to me

I guess this is first ever morning post of mine ever since I started to blog. LOL. 
Anyway, today it’s Wednesday. Idk but for some reasons, Wednesdays have been my favorites. Blame Taylor Swift if you want! (Not that all Wednesdays are good 😝) Maybe it’s just that it’s the middle of the week. Or I don’t know. Rather I don’t care, as long as it’s going good! 😌

But whatever it is, It feels great to have some faith, some calmness inside. To have hope that helps!

It feels great to wake up and not being pushed down by some heavy weight on your shoulders. It feels good to smile just cause you have a whole day in front of you and there’s loads you can accomplish. Mostly, it feels amazing to wake up to a fresh morning, a new beginning, a second chance to live every day! 

Well, Good Day to all! 😘☺

it’s 8:47 am here as I write this in India! 😇 

What’s the time there? And what’s on your mind? Lemme know down in the comments! 

Until then,

Live ☺, Laugh 😄,  Love ❤

Perfect family – A myth!

Okay, don’t judge by the title, well it’s an irony! Heard of it?

I’ve had a little experience with people, and heard a few of theirs too. And in the end I’d just say no family is perfect. 

Living in India and having grown up with Bollywood movies, I always wanted a perfectly happy family. A family that stays together, eats together and all that. Like a cliché Bollywood movie where they’ll all die fir each other and stuff.

I stayed in a hostel for 4 years. This year, I went over to my maternal grandmother’s house for a week. And 2 more houses of maternal aunts. A week in another city with 3 different families. 

So much has made me realize, no family is perfect. There’s someone always angry or someone who never understands or someone who doesn’t talk or someone who is an odd one out. There are always issues. Health, habits, perspective and decisions. There is always gonna be something that creates a ripple in the calm water we want. It’s not gonna change.

What I don’t like is, in here, in India, we live in a completely hypocritical society. Everyone has an issue in their home. But we all show like it’s all perfect. Atleast in other parts of the world, it’s clear. 

Here I would have to behave like it’s not killing me when my brother just plain ignores my existence. My counselor told me, yours is a society family. It’s like 4 individuals living together for the sake of society. Like they’d be rather living alone if not for that image in society. She was right.

I’m gonna quote a cliché Bollywood dialogue:

“Jhagde kis parivar me nahi hote,Khushnasib

 to woh hai jinka parivar hota hai”

It means, “Which family doesn’t has issues, but lucky are those who atleast have a family”

So I finally stopped grieving over not having a perfect family. They say Family is the group of friends God gave you & Friends are the family you chose. Well I may have not got the best of family, but the family i chose is PRICELESS! 💜 

I’m finally letting go of all the pain I’ve carried inside me for various stuff, for those incomplete expectation.

 

Here’s a thank you to the family I chose. (I’m gonna mention them all later)


For now, this already is a long enough post. I’m on my way to a happier life. Hope this helps you in your journey! 

Until then,

Live ☺, Laugh 😄,  Love ❤

Different, more!

I was enraged; to the point of madness. I could have burnt the whole world without a single second thought. ( I would have regretted it later, but that’s not the point here) 

Still, why did my lips curl into a smile the moment i saw a picture of yours? 

Why did a stupid joke of yours made me laugh compared to every other thing I tried to calm myself?

Why couldn’t I reply to your text with something sarcastic like I was torturing everyone else with?
And that’s when I realize, you were never like everyone else for me, you were different.  You were never just a bestie, you were more.  You had always been. 💓

Motto..!

These days I’m going by just a single motto:

You’re allowed to scream,

You’re allowed to cry,

But you’re just not allowed to give up. 

Much love ❤

Loud music!

​Something else is hurting you – that’s why you need pot or whiskey ~ or screaming music turned so fucking loud you can’t think.

-Charles Bukowski, Tales of Ordinary Madness

but if I sit in the rain

maybe I can drown

in something other than

my own thoughts

Tonight..!

I’m back. From what, I don’t know. To where, I don’t know.

Tonight, I’m not writing. I bleed. I shed every tear in form of the words I’ve held inside me. The words that drown me. The words that make me feel so heavy. The weight that I drag on trying to act normal, hoping that nobody will notice. I don’t know whether they do or whether they don’t. It doesn’t matter.

Tonight, I’m bleeding words.

I don’t know how to hold myself from breaking for long. I don’t even know how to fix myself. 

I’m my own problem.

Maybe I’m the cure too.

I’m full of confusions; call them paradoxes if you may.

Unknown excites me but scares me too.

The known bores me but comforts me too.

I want love but never accept myself to be worthy of it either.

I give selflessly, without wanting anything in return, but that leaves me empty.

I prefer calmness but the silence kills me.

I feel heavy with the war inside me but empty too.

The mountains that you are carrying, are the ones you were only supposed to climb!

How do I leave them? And what do I leave? They say whenever you go, you are going to be yourself. You can’t escape your own self. Then what do I do?

My mind is killing me. Nothing helps. I try resting, I try working. I try hobbies, I try work. I try being in company, I try being alone. I try having hope but still feel hopeless. 

The worst is nobody will ever truly know it. I can explain all I want and they can try to understand every way possible, but the truth is, nobody will ever be able to know this struggle I’m pulling myself through. Atleast trying to. Ot maybe not.

I wish there was some analogy to explain it.

It’s like a water filled vessel is getting heated, people far from it see just the vessel, people near to it can see the steam coming out from the cracks occasionally but its boiling inside. A havoc has been created inside. Nobody can or will see it.

I carry it to wherever I go. I hold on to my pieces as well as to hope. I shatter so frequently these days asking myself and everyone who can hear, “How did I turn into this mess of broken pieces?” 

Each shattered piece of me asks me a question, questions I don’t have answers to.

“Where is the person I used to be?” “Is this what I was supposed to become?”  “Isn’t this insanity? Or is it just sadness?” “How do I get out of this labyrinth? Straight and fast? Or calm and composed?” “How do escape this?” “Is this even escapable?” 

The struggle goes on. 

If only I could escape to a place I’d be free from myself; but then I don’t think I’ve been left with much of me either. I lost myself during the war. The war inside my own self.

Bipolar or not!!

Since I’ve been following many personal blogs, I came across a post,  10 Things Bipolar People DON’T Want You To Know.

So I read it just go know what internal conflict people go through, since my life has always been a conflict with myself. And I could relate to 8-9 points of the 10.

Now that made me think, so I left a comment.
I always suspected that I had something wrong in my head. But hadn’t talked about it or taken it too seriously. I mean everyone has a little crazy I them.

————————-

And then I dove into researching. I read everything I could lay my hands on. Or everything that my web browser could handle. Definitions, types, symptoms, experiences, causes. Every damn thing.

Now the thing was that I could relate to almost all of it. Some articles felt as if I’ve described myself; not someone describing a person with BD.

————————-

Also the writer of the blog replied back telling me that there’s no specific test. And here in India, mental health has just one name. Crazy. That made me sad.

So anyways, I found this test online. Not 100% accurate but helpful still.

I took the test that said a score above 22 has 80% chances of being bipolar.

I got fucking 42.

That was another indication.

———————-

Now, that was just an approximation.
The possibility of having Bipolar disorder should have scared me. But it didn’t. I finally felt a little relieved cause finally whatever I’ve been going through all this time has an explanation.

After that, I called my bestie V next day. I told him about these things. And he was shocked. He had thought of me as just moody. Having ups n down. Bipolar disorder had never crossed his mind.
He knew abt it, so that helped.
And finally letting it go from my heart was so liberating.

———————-

This happened 3 days back.
Now skipping back to today.
A happy joyful me turned into I-don’t-want-to-exist me in 5 mins. Literally.
And I had no fucking reason for that.
I got back to my hostel and started sobbing.

I took out a book n wrote about my few days.
It goes like this.

17th :  Woke up at 11 am. Didn’t sleep at all.
18th : Skipped lunch. Went to sleep at night @ 2-3 am (almost 40 hrs without sleep.)
19th : Skipped lunch again. Went to sleep at 5 am
20th : Woke up at 11 am. Fell asleep at 4:30 am.
Today : Woke up at 9:30 am. Just had a glass of juice during the whole day. It’s 1:30 am and I’m still awake.

This is terrifying.

————————-

So finally I know, something is wrong with me. And something needs to be done.
I plan on calling my uncle/family doctor tomorrow.
Also I’ve enrolled myself for a 10-day Vipassana meditation course next month.

Let’s hope for the best. Wish me luck!

Thank you for reading such a long post. You’re amazing!:)

Please drop your views in the comments. ^_^

Again!!!

It’s funny how sometimes all we needed was
a line from a song,
a quote from a book or a movie
to realize how we really feel
and
all we needed was
a smile from a friendly stranger,
a good cup of coffee,
a walk in the rain,
an old song
to briefly put us back together before we fall apart again!

Right now, I am.

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