Apologies

In life, apologies do come.

It can’t be said when, but they do come.

They just come years after you stopped expecting them. They come when you finally have made peace with yourself; sometimes even after you are no longer there to hear it.

They come in the form of a sudden text saying “I dreamt of us cooking and laughing together in kitchen. I miss you. I never stopped praying for you”

They come as a phone call “I saw your number in my mother’s phone and realised you were very kind to me. I just needed to tell you that”

They come as a sudden unblocking on all social media or maybe slowly one by one. As follow requesting you again, as likes or casual comments, or streaks?? snap. They come as a slight nod to you in the hallway or the stairs when you pass them or hides below a gentle hand on your shoulder when they pass by.

It knocks on your door late at night when you finally started feeling comfortable enough in your bed. It makes you wonder whether opening up is worth the trouble or not.

I suggest you to open the door, let it in.

It may come in silent prayers that reach out for you but you never know.

So I urge you to stop waiting for them.

Remember, when we give from a place of love rather than expectations, more usually comes to us than we ever imagined.

Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth;

Give your best anyway. ♥️

-Dr. Kent M. Keith

Keep walking ahead and spreading love!

Live, Laugh, Love

Nikita ♡

Her smile

​Ironically, the smile that cured heartache of others, revealed the secret that her own heart was yet to be mended. 

Stars and her

​All of the stars compelled her to stay awake.  

Ofcourse they wanted to see the girl that shone the brightest, even when the moon would refuse to guide them. 

That can be the only reason all the stars would gather in her eyes the days she felt dark as the moonless nights.  

Like this, I let you go!

You look at me with those accusing eyes, trying to remind me of all those word you said. The words you thought will show me my place.

This time you don’t see me flinch. Instead I hold my chin higher and smile. What makes this even better is that I’m not even pretending.

Anyone who knows, wonders how I got over you, or if I go into details, wonders how I got over those abuses u hurled at me and the way you amplified every bit of self doubt I had. You called me slut and whore. Told me you hated me. You cursed me. Said I change guys faster than I change clothes because to me they’re just toys. Accused me of being a fake show.

I wouldn’t lie, I cried a river and drowned in it for days.

One day I wrote it down. I memorized it until it no longer cut into my skin. Until it no longer made my heart bleed.

Then I wrote down every good thing you ever said. To my surprise, it exceeded the hate you showed. It made me smile. It made me cringe.

We humans are so vulnerable in self hate. We doubt the good said about us even if 1000 people say it a 1000 times and the negative things? We accept the negatives in a heartbeat even if it’s a stranger saying so. A huge mountain of compliments turns into dust by a single negative remark. A tornado of self hate is created by a small wind of flaw in us.

Then I wondered ​why did I still allow your opinion of me to validate how I felt about myself even though it was just an opinion.

The way you think about me, good or bad, isn’t me.

You can look at the pyramid from far and call it a triangle. I wouldn’t call u wrong, because from where you are, you aren’t really wrong. But you see, it is a still a fucking pyramid baby. Calling it a triangle, is like calling diamond just a shiny glass.

So I let it all go. More importantly, I let you go. This way every word you said turned insignificant.

Source: tumblr.com

Sometimes I remember how you even cursed my children the same fate that you had.

For me that’s not even a curse, to my children I will say “be grateful someone​ you loved, loved you back. Even if they chose to leave, be happy that even for few moments, you had everything you one once dreamt of. Forevers are overrated and all you have is present. And if you had someone who once wanted to be a part of that present, let them go if they want to. Better things await you both”

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P.S.: Back after a long time. Please do let me know your reviews in the comments. I’ll be back with more for sure. (Pinky Promise)

Until then,
Live, Laugh , Love

Why I stopped posting.

I know, I used to be irregular. And it’s awfully long since I’ve been posting. Well here are the recent updates I haven’t been able to share

1. I graduated. With final semester spi 9/10
2. I moved back to my hometown. 
3. I got the job in the NGO I was working as volunteer, but I fucked that up because
4. I had few breakdowns and am going through depression.
5. 15 days ago I started a job as Assistant in IT Dept in an International school here in my hometown.

Now I haven’t been that busy since school is until 3-4 only, but I’ve just been battling a lot. And mainly I didn’t write because then everytime I felt low I’d come up here and vent. And that’s not a good thing for long. So I decided I won’t be posting depressing stuff here. I’ll deal with it. It’s kinda good.

It’s oddly comforting to write. But I should face my feelings in a better way. Everything else is just a distraction. 

 And I’m going to get rid of this depression and anger inside me. Working on it. 

What are you up to? Lemme know in the comments.

Anyways, until I post stuff again, 

Keep rocking..!
Live☺, Laugh 😄, Love 💙

Suddenly..

And suddenly I find myself crying. The tears won’t stop. I wanna explode. The pain is too much.

The harder I try to gather myself, the worse I crumble.
Maybe I’m beyond fixing. Just unworthy of every effort put on me. By others and by myself too. 

Morning!

Rare mornings I wake up to sunshine and bliss! Today is one such day! Yayyyyy! 💃👼

-cause well yeah, I sleep in most of the days and then getting out the bed itself is an achievement due to the damn depression- but that on some other day, because I AM IN A GOOD MOOD!

Well yeah, that’s how most days are to me

I guess this is first ever morning post of mine ever since I started to blog. LOL. 
Anyway, today it’s Wednesday. Idk but for some reasons, Wednesdays have been my favorites. Blame Taylor Swift if you want! (Not that all Wednesdays are good 😝) Maybe it’s just that it’s the middle of the week. Or I don’t know. Rather I don’t care, as long as it’s going good! 😌

But whatever it is, It feels great to have some faith, some calmness inside. To have hope that helps!

It feels great to wake up and not being pushed down by some heavy weight on your shoulders. It feels good to smile just cause you have a whole day in front of you and there’s loads you can accomplish. Mostly, it feels amazing to wake up to a fresh morning, a new beginning, a second chance to live every day! 

Well, Good Day to all! 😘☺

it’s 8:47 am here as I write this in India! 😇 

What’s the time there? And what’s on your mind? Lemme know down in the comments! 

Until then,

Live ☺, Laugh 😄,  Love ❤

Perfect family – A myth!

Okay, don’t judge by the title, well it’s an irony! Heard of it?

I’ve had a little experience with people, and heard a few of theirs too. And in the end I’d just say no family is perfect. 

Living in India and having grown up with Bollywood movies, I always wanted a perfectly happy family. A family that stays together, eats together and all that. Like a cliché Bollywood movie where they’ll all die fir each other and stuff.

I stayed in a hostel for 4 years. This year, I went over to my maternal grandmother’s house for a week. And 2 more houses of maternal aunts. A week in another city with 3 different families. 

So much has made me realize, no family is perfect. There’s someone always angry or someone who never understands or someone who doesn’t talk or someone who is an odd one out. There are always issues. Health, habits, perspective and decisions. There is always gonna be something that creates a ripple in the calm water we want. It’s not gonna change.

What I don’t like is, in here, in India, we live in a completely hypocritical society. Everyone has an issue in their home. But we all show like it’s all perfect. Atleast in other parts of the world, it’s clear. 

Here I would have to behave like it’s not killing me when my brother just plain ignores my existence. My counselor told me, yours is a society family. It’s like 4 individuals living together for the sake of society. Like they’d be rather living alone if not for that image in society. She was right.

I’m gonna quote a cliché Bollywood dialogue:

“Jhagde kis parivar me nahi hote,Khushnasib

 to woh hai jinka parivar hota hai”

It means, “Which family doesn’t has issues, but lucky are those who atleast have a family”

So I finally stopped grieving over not having a perfect family. They say Family is the group of friends God gave you & Friends are the family you chose. Well I may have not got the best of family, but the family i chose is PRICELESS! 💜 

I’m finally letting go of all the pain I’ve carried inside me for various stuff, for those incomplete expectation.

 

Here’s a thank you to the family I chose. (I’m gonna mention them all later)

For now, this already is a long enough post. I’m on my way to a happier life. Hope this helps you in your journey! 

Until then,

Live ☺, Laugh 😄,  Love ❤

Different, more!

I was enraged; to the point of madness. I could have burnt the whole world without a single second thought. ( I would have regretted it later, but that’s not the point here) 

Still, why did my lips curl into a smile the moment i saw a picture of yours? 

Why did a stupid joke of yours made me laugh compared to every other thing I tried to calm myself?

Why couldn’t I reply to your text with something sarcastic like I was torturing everyone else with?
And that’s when I realize, you were never like everyone else for me, you were different.  You were never just a bestie, you were more.  You had always been. 💓